So you've finally discovered / admitted that you are a codependent. Perhaps you don't much care for the name: codependent, but it is a way of life that you learned early on - to survive in a non-nurturing environment. When those around you (usually parents, although it could also be a significant other) cared more for themselves than they did for you, and they refused to nurture you - your only choice for survival was to take sides with them.
Unfortunately, when you finally decide to withdraw from the "all about THEM" game, and begin to have a life of your own - you may have no clue where to begin. Questions arise that might seem silly to "normal" people: What do I really want? What makes me happy? What happens when I take time for myself - will others stop loving me? If I "detach with love" - will I be rejected? Do I have to give up me to be loved by you?" (A great question, and a great book by that name, too.)
Beginning the slow process of becoming a free and independent person takes time. Finding out who you are and what you want can be a wonderful journey of discovery. Breaking away from clinging, needy, or abusive people can also be painful - but necessary for your own survival.
Who am I? Where do I belong? What do I want? What makes me happy? Clumped together, these questions are overwhelming. Taken a little at a time, they can lead you to your true home.
1.) Begin carrying a small notebook or journal. Write down things that please you: colors, sights, music, movies, furniture, whatever. Cut out photos from magazines and paste them into the journal. Sit on a park bench and write your thoughts at lunchtime. If you have a strong dream, jot it down upon waking. Begin to see patterns (I like handmade things! And cinnamon-flavored rice pudding! And the way the light makes patterns through the leaves on trees... )
2.) Buy yourself an iPod and begin to collect songs and music that YOU like. Just for you. Listen to it when you take walks - by yourself.
3.) Cook the foods that only you like. So what if you're the only one who likes rutabagas, or brussel sprouts? Why give them up? If no one else likes them, there's more for you.
4.) Begin to ask for what you want. Don't expect others to read your mind. Take a risk and ask out loud.
If they say Yes, celebrate your victory.
5.) Show yourself the kindness and patience you've given away to others. Pretend you are a friend that needs help.
6.) Dust an old dream off the shelf. Maybe you're too old to be a ballerina, but you can watch the ballet.
Find the essence of the dream, and a way will appear to have a small part of it in your life. (Go to: www.BarbaraSher.com to learn more.)
7.) Teach what you need to learn. Reach out to other codependents and share your "Experience, strength, and hope". They hunger to hear your story.
8.) Do one daring thing. Feel the fear and do it anyway.
9.) Risk failure. If you fail and live, the worst will have happened, and you will be stronger - knowing you can survive anything.
10.) Love something or someone. A pet, a young or old person - someone or something that doesn't expect it or demand it.
And always, always, know - that WHAT YOU WANT MATTERS, TOO.
And YOU MATTER.
If you are suffering from serious depression or need help for drug or alcohol addiction, please click the link below.